startup

There are many days when I sit and reflect on the past six years of being a startup founder and the lessons I’ve learned along the way. The biggest lesson has been coming to understand what my relationship with money is.

The journey of raising capital for me has been at the center of some of my darkest days and deepest pain to date. So much of that, I now realize, is because I didn’t understand that we all have a relationship with money that plays a powerful role in the stories we tell ourselves, how we show up, and who we are when it’s on the table. This is particularly true in business, as money really is at the center of everything.

What I thought I was negotiating was often not what I was negotiating, and if you don’t truly understand what’s really at stake, things can go south very quickly for everyone.

One of the things that I am most proud of in my personal journey as a startup founder is staying true to myself throughout all of my successful and unsuccessful capital raise efforts. Staying true to myself in these moments caused some of my deepest soul-wrenching pain because of what I had to give up. Multiple times on my journey, it felt like I lost everything in those moments. The truth was, each time I made the decision to walk away or hold the line, I gained a little bit more of myself back. I just could not give up what was being asked of me, often right at the end, in the final moments where the terms seemed to change once again.

Despite all of it, I kept getting out of bed and I kept going because I really believed what I was doing mattered. I do want to highlight that in all of my personal capital-raising journey, I don’t see myself as a victim of any of what unfolded, as I was a fully engaged participant. I just didn’t understand myself enough and my history and relationship with money, and that lack of awareness left me very vulnerable.

The funny thing is my startup has finally come to a place of sustainability, and we have no desperate need to raise capital to survive. Right at this point, I finally understand enough about who I am and how this works, and I am in a much better position to go into a capital raise.

Capital raising isn’t something that I’m interested in doing again anytime soon, as it’s been such a gift to be able to slow down, do the work I love, and enjoy my business without feeling like everything is on the line unless I find more money to extend the runway and take over the world.

I also don’t have anyone on my back about a financial return, and though sustainability is critical in my decision making as a founder, 10xing my business is not the driving force behind how decisions get made. Our mission continues to be our driving force. Somehow I managed to get here without giving myself or the company up on terms that did not align with me. I am most proud of this to date.

I do have one key investor who has made three separate investments into my company, ParentTV, over the past six years, and each time it was a respectful and supportive process with fair and reasonable terms for both of us. I wish some investors would understand what happens to a founder when it’s respectful and supportive and how much it leaves you as the founder wanting to honor that support and trust. This investor and his belief in me and our mission has been one of my driving factors on the days getting out of bed to keep going seemed too much. Whenever things went really south over the years, he would call me with his first question being, “Are you ok?” He never asked or brought up if his investment was ok. 

It’s such a motivating factor to want to do your best for both yourself and those who have backed and cared about you and your vision.

I was a sole female founder with the added responsibility of raising 3 kids while trying to build a global business and process, understand and heal a lot of my childhood trauma that imprinted a story in me that was playing out again, right in front of my eyes.

Going on the journey of raising capital brought that to light for me in a way I didn’t see coming until it hit me in the face over and over, and the only way I could survive it was to get curious enough to start asking myself why do I keep ending up here. For the last three years, I have been seeing a psychologist every month without fail who has been there with me every step of the way as I worked to unpack what was behind all of what kept unfolding. The best decision I ever made.

Without going into the detailed story (we’ll leave that for another day) of unpacking the impact of financial trauma I experienced growing up and how that was playing out in how I was showing up as an unconscious part of my capital raising efforts, I do want to share about a movement I recently got involved with which, at its core, exists to try and address some of these challenges often experienced by female founders starting out.

As I sat with all I had experienced, one thing I knew was I needed connection and a community I felt safe with to keep going. What a startup asks of you is beyond human some days, and it’s something you cannot do alone. Without the support of a very small group of people who have been there in my darkest days, I would not have made it through the past 6 years.

I had known of a movement called Coralus (formerly SHEeo) and had touched in and out of it over the years, but I never fully explored what it was about and the people involved as I was so busy surviving; it just felt like another too good to be true idea.

Earlier this year, I received an invitation to an event in Adelaide where the founder, Vicki Saunders (She/Her), was flying over from Canada for a 2-day retreat. Something about the invite said, “Sam (that’s me, by the way), I think these are your people.” I deliberated for weeks as to whether I should go or not, as I hate wasting my time, but I decided to take a risk and show up.

I sometimes think I was accidentally invited because I was on some old email list I should not have been on as I wasn’t an active member of the community, but things have a way of working themselves out.

To cut a long story short, I found myself in the middle of a group of women who had been working for years to create a new way of supporting women with funding, particularly in the early stage of business. This emerged from what seemed to be a shared experience and shared trauma not so different from mine.

As I showed up to this rather intimate event, only seeing one familiar face, it felt like trusting anyone new in business was a lot for me at the time. It was a very emotional decision for me to go as I had nearly given up all hope to ever attempt or recommend to anyone to go down a capital raising path due to what I had experienced.

For two days, I sat with a group of women I did not know, and they softly and gently allowed me the space to share some pieces of my story when I was ready. I found safety in the business world, which I had never known before, with incredibly intelligent and experienced women from the business, government, and corporate worlds all coming together to say, ‘We know, we see you, and we’re working on it.’ There were moments where words didn’t even need to be spoken. There was a shared understanding of what was happening, and at the same time, a vision and plan for a different way.

Coralus has created a unique and respectful way to support women (and non-binary individuals) with funding to help their businesses grow. Having been through every different capital raising scenario available to businesses to date, I can say that I believe the Coralus way is a really safe, ‘dip your toe in the water’ way for women to begin their journey into raising capital. They are supported by an extraordinary group of women who are invested in nothing but their success and making sure they have a safe place to go when things go a bit sideways in business because when money is involved, at some point, it always does.

I get nothing out of being involved in this community except a safe place to land in the moments I need it with a group of women who just know, without a word needing to be spoken. The power of having someone to sit with in the knowledge of what it takes to bring something into the world from nothing is a powerful gift.

Right now, Coralus has opened its doors for 2023 to invite a new cohort of founders seeking financial support for the next stage of their business growth. If this is you, what I can tell you from my experience is that dipping your toe into the Coralus way to explore what financing your business could look like will be the most respectful and supportive process you can begin with on this journey, whether you are successful or not.

I believe the key to raising capital (without the trauma) is firstly understanding your own personal relationship with money and the imprint of your family of origin’s relationship with money and how that is impacting you in ways you may not be conscious of. Interestingly, one of the members of Coralus who I have come to really respect, Gail Wong, ACC, originally came from investment banking and is now a financial trauma coach for women to help them understand their relationship with money and work towards creating the future they want.

With Coralus, you engage on your own terms.

To give you an idea of the scale of impact Coralus has had to date, there is over 11 million dollars funding women led ventures in a regenerative cycle, creating expansive spillover benefits that could have never been imagined. This support has gone to over 120+ ventures making real progress on the UN’s Sustainable Development Goals.

One way to look at Coralus is as a trauma-informed capital raising process.

You can find out more about Coralus here: https://coralus.world/

I believe that what Coralus is doing is nothing short of inspiring. Not for a moment have I felt disrespected or unsafe, and for that reason, I support this incredible movement that is changing the game of business

For 24 years I have thought it’s all my fault, it’s all my responsibility, that maybe I’m not good, that maybe I’m not who I think I am. I didn’t let anyone decide, I decided for them because somehow that felt like the safer option.

It’s my 38th birthday today and if you would like to give me something for my birthday then the gift of your time reading this would be a lovely gift.

I want to tell you a story of the last 24 years of my life. Anyone that knows me knows I’m a bit of a talker and it can be hard to shut me up at times. The irony of the whole situation is that I’ve been talking for 24 years non stop but have never managed to say what I’ve really needed to say.

It’s hard to know where to start but here goes. My entire adult life I have only ever known a Sam who was trying to help people. Like somehow I knew what was wrong and what people needed and if they would only listen to what I had to say it would be ok.

What a journey I have been on this year realising that the entire opposite is true.

For a long time I haven’t been ok. When I was 14 I found myself in a relationship with someone much older than me that I was in for 2 years and there was much about that which was not ok. I didn’t know how to ask for help so I stayed. After I got the courage to end it I decided to close that chapter of my life and spent the next 24 years trying to prove to myself that I was fine and it didn’t affect me. I have to say I was pretty impressed by myself and my efforts upon reflection but about 12 months ago the weight of all of the responsibility I was carrying got too much for me and I started to crack.

The last 12 months

It was around the same time one year ago that I made a new friend. This friend had no idea what he was getting himself into at the time but he had enough experience to see I was not ok and enough kindness and grace to keep showing up every step of the way as I began to unravel.

I had no idea what was about to unfold but as the weight of it all came crashing down I didn’t quite know what to do so I decided to just go with it.

I have never cried so much in my life. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. There was a grief I had never known. I didn’t understand what was going on but something inside of me knew I was heading in the right direction and to just keep going. Feel the feelings that’s how you get to the other side I would tell myself.

After about 6 months things got too big and heavy for me and my friend to carry so I took myself to the GP and got a mental health plan to go and see a psychologist. This was one of the best decisions I made.

After a few sessions I was sharing how I didn’t know how to tell Simon (husband) what was going on and how not ok I really was because I didn’t think he would be able to handle it. Her response to me was why don’t you let him decide … he might just surprise you. And that was the truth right there. I never let people decide … I always decide for them which also means that I’ve never had the gift of being surprised.

This played on my mind for the next 48 hours. I had seen my psychologist on a Friday morning and by Sunday morning asked Simon to take the kids to church on his own so I could stay home and do some things. By the time church finished I called him on the phone and asked him to drop the kids somewhere and come home on his own because I needed to talk with him.

He came home and I had my first truly brave conversation. I told him that I wasn’t ok. I told him that I needed him to be ok with me not being ok. I told him that I didn’t know when I was going to be ok. I told him that I was scared of asking this of him because I didn’t know if he could handle it.

Simon showed up that day and has every day since over the past 6 months. I have asked so much of him as he has supported our children and me while I’ve finally faced what happened to me and the impact of what that meant.

People I need to thank

It’s been one year since the unraveling began and for the first time in 24 years it feels different. There are more pieces to this story that I haven’t gone into but I wanted to thank a few people for the gifts they have given me over the past year and I also wanted to share some of my key learnings in the hope that maybe it could help someone else.

Jason Gibson – Thankyou for asking me what do you need from me right now in the moments when I was struggling. I’m not sure anyone had ever asked me that before and that changed my life. I’m not even sure I had asked myself that question before and that question managed to quieten the noise and help me zone into me.

Paul Mansfield – Thankyou for believing me. The day I met you and we spoke I knew that you believed me in a way that other people didn’t. You always believed me. Thankyou for not telling me what to do but knowing the right questions to ask and always pointing me back to myself.

Simon Jockel – Thank you for showing up and loving me through it all. It’s amazing how differently you see things when your perspective changes. You have been showing up and supporting me our whole marriage but I couldn’t see. I know that was hard at times for you and you still showed up. I have asked so much of you this past 6 months and you have been more than enough. Thank you!

So what did I learn

For anyone that knows me well enough I am an extraordinarily curious person who doesn’t give up until I work it out.

I started my ParentTV journey a few years ago really trying to work out what was going on with our kids and with us as the truth is we are all struggling. I was trying desperately to help everyone else when it was really me I needed to help.

What I have come to realise through my own personal journey is that I had lost trust in myself. At the core of what was happening for me it was a trust issue. I didn’t trust myself. I was constantly looking to other people for validation and to tell me what to do. I had believed it was always my fault, my responsibility, that I wasn’t good, that I wasn’t who I thought I was and it was other people who got to decide.

Then here’s where it gets even trickier. I didn’t actually let them decide, I decided for them and more often than not I blamed myself and so the self loathing and shame began.

So here’s what I know.

The only way to healing and freedom is to go in. First base is learning to trust yourself. This trust isn’t about having all of the answers to all of the problems. It’s about trusting when you do know and trusting when you don’t and being brave enough to ask for help in the moments you don’t.

Second base is about learning to trust others. Why don’t you let them decide … they might just surprise you. I can’t tell you how many times I have been surprised over the past 6 months. It has been quite the gift.

This brings us to third base which is boundaries. What I have learned about me is that my lack of trust in myself resulted in a lack of boundaries and this was the most dangerous of all. Boundaries are what keep us safe and give us a sense of safety. For most of my life I have never felt safe and now I know why. I recently read a quote from someone I am connected to on Facebook who wrote …. “diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend boundaries are”. I think this is my most favourite quote of all time.

I am coming to understand that why I believe we collectively as society are not ok (including our kids) is because we have lost trust in ourselves, we don’t know how to ask for help and nobody knows what the boundaries are. How can you have a boundary if you can’t trust yourself to know what your boundary is.

After 12 months of unravelling this is where it lands. Trusting myself, knowing it’s ok to ask for help and having boundaries. It’s actually doable which makes my heart very happy but it’s not easy. It’s a whole lot lighter on the other side though so I highly recommend it but make sure you be brave and ask for what you need on the way …. people might just surprise you.

One last thing

My psychologist mentioned that one of the reasons for the timing of this unraveling may be that my eldest daughter is approaching the age I was at when some of my trauma began.

It’s true that as I look at her and see the developmental stage she is at it became very clear to me that some of the stories I believed to be true at her age were actually not true as there was no way she would be responsible for what I believed I was responsible for at that age.

To any parents who have teenagers out there. Even though it seems like our kids are mini grownups and they walk and talk like they’ve got this and they know all the things. They don’t have this and they don’t know all the things. It’s easy to want to believe that as we are exhausted and the fight is never ending when it comes to boundaries.

Your kid’s need boundaries. Strong boundaries which they are not going to like on the outside. I can promise you on the inside they will find a safety in them they are unable to articulate. Our teenagers are not ready for what the world is throwing at them and they are not ok. They don’t know how to ask for help because we as their parents don’t know how to ask for help either.

It starts with us. We have to trust ourselves and learn to have good boundaries if we want our kids to trust themselves and have good boundaries. It’s not an easy road but I can promise you it’s worth it!

So what next

38 is the year where I can finally say it wasn’t my fault, but what happens next is my responsibility. That I know I’m good and I’m who I think I am because I get to decide. That I can trust people and let them decide for themselves because they just might surprise me.

Finally getting to this place is the most amazing birthday gift of all. I care little for money and things despite all of the business work I do. Business gives me the freedom to decide and enables a scale for impact.

38 will be the year I truly learn to trust myself 🙂

It has been nearly a year since “The worst case scenario any founder could ever imagine happened to me” and now here we are … 

I woke up a week ago and I just felt sad.  I’m not one to become sad or depressed in general, if anything, I’m often on the other end of the spectrum and a little manic (I’m pretty certain I am undiagnosed ADHD).  It was an unexpected sadness and I would go as far as saying it was grief. 

What I knew is I had to feel the feelings and give myself permission to not be ok but what I didn’t know at the time, was exactly why I was feeling this grief.  I knew it had to do with my business and I now realise it was the process I needed to go through as I walked into what I am now calling Chapter 3 of ParentTV.  

It was the grief of unfulfilled promises, making the wrong calls, of money wasted, of hiring the wrong people, of not seeing what was right in front of me, of wasted time and resources, of behaving in ways I was not proud of, of yes not really meaning yes, of unsuccessful grants, missed opportunities and all the realities that exist in the world of innovation where there are no answers and you are just making it up as you go. 

It was accepting and moving through the things I got wrong because in startup you get so much wrong because there is no roadmap.  I know this is normal and failure doesn’t scare me but I am learning that there is still a process I have to go through to accept what was, so I can move into what is next. 

Someone once said to me that running a startup is like gaming.  Now I’m not much of a gamer but I know how it works in general.  This is the kind of game that has multiple levels.  You start playing at the basic level and generally speaking most things are trying to kill you or stop you from succeeding and you die and then try again and die and try again and eventually you work out the level and make it to the end. You do a little high five and then straight away find yourself on the next level.  This time it’s a bit harder and there are a few more things trying to kill you and you die and try again, get a little further then die and try again until you finally make it to the end of that level.  You do a little high five again and straight away find yourself on the next level.  Once again it’s a bit harder, more things are trying to kill you and you have to work out how to make it to the end of the level.  This keeps going on and on and on and at some point you ask the question: Is there ever an end to these levels? And the truth is there actually isn’t until there is but the game is being made up as you go so no one actually knows when this is going to happen.  You just have to keep playing. 

When I think about the last 3 years of my life I can honestly say this is such a great analogy.  With time you do get better at playing however, things are always stopping you getting to the next level and once you feel like you have finally made it, you realise you are just on the next level and it’s even harder and there are even more things that you have to work out. 

The timing of this grief popping up was a very strange thing because ParentTV has been having some amazing wins in the past few months, we have an extraordinary team starting to form and are really getting out there and known.  We are on the brink of signing off on a deal with the client of our dreams that will be a game changer for us moving forward (This got signed off).  It was an unexpected grief and what I now understand is it was ParentTV moving to the next level in the game.

On the one hand there was the high five of completing the last level but on the other hand there was that heavy realisation that we are not there yet (wherever there is) and we are now entering into an even harder level with more things we have to work out.

Being the founder of a startup is relentless.  Making it up as you go and innovating what comes next every day can be exhausting.  Having said all of that, I freakin love it and could not imagine doing anything else except exactly what I am doing.  I can’t kid myself that it pushes me to my limits some days, that I constantly feel vulnerable because we are always moving forward into unknown territories, that I worry my team thinks I’m a little crazy as I ride the highs and lows of startup life.

But here I am.  On the brink of signing a deal that changes everything.  With a team who have seen the good, bad and ugly of me trying to work it out as a first time founder and CEO of a startup and they continue to show up, extend me grace and say we are with you on this adventure of a lifetime. Without them none of this would be possible … they truly are the greatest gift I could ever ask for.

The grief is mostly gone.  It was only a few days of accepting where I had got it wrong and letting that go.  If we don’t give ourselves the grace to get it wrong and go through a process of letting that go then we carry those mistakes around like dead weights that eventually get so heavy it stops us being able to move forward.  When you stop taking action and stop moving forward you die.  Anyone who has ever played a computer game knows that.