It has been nearly a year since “The
I woke up a week ago and I just felt sad. I’m not one to become sad or depressed in general, if anything, I’m often on the other end of the spectrum and a little manic (I’m pretty certain I am undiagnosed ADHD). It was an unexpected sadness and I would go as far as saying it was grief.
What I knew is I had to feel the feelings and give myself permission to not be ok but what I didn’t know at the time, was exactly why I was feeling this grief. I knew it had to do with my business and I now realise it was the process I needed to go through as I walked into what I am now calling Chapter 3 of ParentTV.
It was the grief of unfulfilled promises, making the wrong calls, of money wasted, of hiring the wrong people, of not seeing what was right in front of me, of wasted time and resources, of behaving in ways I was not proud of, of yes not really meaning yes, of unsuccessful grants, missed opportunities and all the realities that exist in the world of innovation where there are no answers and you are just making it up as you go.
It was accepting and moving through the things I got wrong because in startup you get so much wrong because there is no roadmap. I know this is normal and failure doesn’t scare me but I am learning that there is still a process I have to go through to accept what was, so I can move into what is next.
Someone once said to me that running a startup is like gaming. Now I’m not much of a gamer but I know how it works in general. This is the kind of game that has multiple levels. You start playing at the basic level and generally speaking most things are trying to kill you or stop you from succeeding and you die and then try again and die and try again and eventually you work out the level and make it to the end. You do a little high five and then straight away find yourself on the next level. This time it’s a bit harder and there are a few more things trying to kill you and you die and try again, get a little further then die and try again until you finally make it to the end of that level. You do a little high five again and straight away find yourself on the next level. Once again it’s a bit harder, more things are trying to kill you and you have to work out how to make it to the end of the level. This keeps going on and on and on and at some point you ask the question: Is there ever an end to these levels? And the truth is there actually isn’t until there is but the game is being made up as you go so no one actually knows when this is going to happen. You just have to keep playing.
When I think about the last 3 years of my life I can honestly say this is such a great analogy. With time you do get better at playing however, things are always stopping you getting to the next level and once you feel like you have finally made it, you realise you are just on the next level and it’s even harder and there are even more things that you have to work out.
The timing of this grief popping up was a very strange thing because ParentTV has been having some amazing wins in the past few months, we have an extraordinary team starting to form and are really getting out there and known. We are on the brink of signing off on a deal with the client of our dreams that will be a
On the one hand there was the high five of completing the last level but on the other hand there was that heavy realisation that we are not there yet (wherever there is) and we are now entering into an even harder level with more things we have to work out.
Being the founder of a startup is relentless. Making it up as you go and innovating what comes next every day can be exhausting. Having said all of that, I freakin love it and could not imagine doing anything else except exactly what I am doing. I can’t kid myself that it pushes me to my limits some days, that I constantly feel vulnerable because we are always moving forward into unknown territories, that I worry my team thinks I’m a little crazy as I ride the highs and lows of startup life.
But here I am. On the brink of signing a deal that changes everything. With a team who have seen the good, bad and ugly of me trying to work it out as a first time founder and CEO of a startup and they continue to show up, extend me grace and say we are with you on this adventure of a lifetime. Without them none of this would be possible … they truly are the greatest gift I could ever ask for.
The grief is mostly gone. It was only a few days of accepting where I had got it wrong and letting that go. If we don’t give ourselves the grace to get it wrong and go through a process of letting that go then we carry those mistakes around like dead weights that eventually get so heavy it stops us being able to move forward. When you stop taking action and stop moving forward you die. Anyone who has ever played a computer game knows that.