I’ve been on quite the journey this past 18 months and the main lesson I am learning is that it is a journey and I’m not sure I will ever make it to a destination but the scenery is changing and there seems to be more stretches of beautiful than desolate terrain.
I think back to how this all started but the story keeps changing as the layers peel back and I begin to understand the subconscious programs that have been driving me all of my adult life.
I think ultimately I got to a point where I was watching the world happen around me and I just didn’t understand. I was so busy with so many stories to tell and things to do but on the inside it just didn’t feel like it looked.
I had to believe that there was more. I had to believe that this wasn’t it. I wanted to know. I wanted to know what it felt like.
When I think back on it now it all makes sense but at the time it didn’t. I would look at people who struggled with their feelings and think just suck it up and get on with it. It’s easy, you just make a decision and do it. And I did and I could do that. For years I don’t think I felt much good or bad. There was power and capacity in it because in some ways I was unstoppable with what I could do. Simon used to joke and refer to me as the ice queen because I was able to be so unaffected by anything. I believed this made me strong and it was a good thing.
I realise now though that I was missing out. Sure I was able to block and avoid hard feelings but this applied for the good feelings too. I was just numb to it all and kept myself busy creating great stories that evoked feelings in others I could feed off.
Somewhere deep down inside of me there was this little girl trying to fight her way out. Convincing me that there was more if I could just trust her and let her lead. There was a lot of growing up we would have to do together. A lot of listening. A lot of asking questions and getting curious. But maybe just maybe if we did those things it could feel different.
I have done many hard things in my life and this by far continues to be the hardest. Some days I feel like I am fighting for my life literally. Fighting to feel connected, fighting to understand, fighting to know what it’s like to fully experience joy and not sabotage myself that I’m not worthy of good things.
I have been fighting for about 18 months now and I want to let you know that I’m winning. That winning is possible. Winning isn’t that everything is better and I never have to go through hard things again. Winning is moments where it all comes together and it’s exactly what it was meant to be and I get to experience that. There are moments I am experiencing this for the first time and that’s pretty special at 38.
What I am learning about being a feelings person now is that you can’t pick and choose. If you want the good stuff you have to take the bad stuff too and it’s actually ok. The easiest way through all of it is to continue to give yourself permission to feel the feelings whatever they are. I have learned now that they do pass. That it’s ok and with time and practice it does get easier. The key is not to judge yourself for having them. It’s this judgement piece where it all comes unstuck. The stories we tell ourselves about what these feelings mean and how they validate our worthiness or worthlessness. Our feelings have nothing to do with any of that they just are.
I share this story because I want to help. There have been many times I’ve needed help and hearing people’s stories has been something that has helped me.
Where it has landed for me at the moment after what seems like quite the journey is self compassion.
What makes me sad the most as I reflect on my life is not so much how people have treated me but how I have treated myself. That’s where the biggest pain and grief is. How unkind I have been to myself.
I have been going through quite a bit of healing at the moment as I begin to challenge old patterns of behaviour and get really curious about where they came from. For me this looks like finding space to be on my own and having the time to cry for what didn’t go right, for what has happened in my life which resulted in me ending up here. I’m not angry and there is no blame just tears for what was lost, tears for when things didn’t go to plan. I just find myself feeling a deep sense of compassion for the parts of me that got a bit messy on the way and realising that blaming myself or others isn’t helpful.
I then decide what I want to keep and what I want to get rid of and start to do the work to rewrite some of those programs and stories to change my future narrative. It’s not easy but I’m here to say that it’s possible and I’m living proof.
I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like to move through those feelings and find yourself on the other side. It’s extraordinary. I know I’m not there yet (wherever there is) and the peeling back of layers will be a lifelong journey. But what I will say is that change is possible even as an adult when you have been set in your ways for years. You have to get curious, you have to be ok with whatever pops up, you have to let yourself go there and feel the feelings, you have to choose not to judge but instead have compassion towards yourself and what happened to you which led you to where you are today.
Most of it really is not your fault but as an adult if you want it to be different it is your responsibility.